Archive | December, 2011

Blue Martini Nites

31 Dec

I LOVE Blue Martini!  But it is, without a doubt, the most dangerous bar for me. For some reason I become my most drunken self.

Half of you are probably saying : “Like thats a bad thing?!” while the other half thinks: “Have you ever heard of the words ‘control’ and ‘limits’?”

To the evil half of you – yes, it is a bad thing. I can’t cope with hangovers so easily anymore. The morning after is just painful and sometimes not worth the previous night’s fun.

To the oh so perfect half – all I have to say is that Blue Martini is a bad influence. Very very bad influence. Very.

The problem with Blue Martini is that they sell you a martini and then give you the free refill (leftover in the shaker). Thats 2 martinis!  That’s pretty much 2 martinis at a time! I mean you cannot possibly leave the leftover martini in the shaker – you are required to drink it. No questions asked – it is never wasted or forsaken.

My drug of choice? The Bellini Martini – all I gotta say is vodka plus champagne = a whole lotta praying to the porcelain god.

Anywho – my favorite Blue Martini is located at the Towncenter Mall in Boca Raton.

The lights, the music, the liveliness of the place just invites you in. One step in the door and I’m hooked. And then it’s all downhill from there.

It’s hit or miss though when it comes to the crowd. Sometimes you get the young crowd and it’s a crazy super fun atmosphere. Other times the crowd is a little old…er. With the older crowd – half the time its crazy fun. The other half of the time it is just plain boring.

You’ve got all sorts of women. The older women with the tight clothes trying to look and act young again. You’ll see the younger (and sometimes older), more desperate women with the short skirts or dresses proudly revealing their cleavage. There are the plastics too – all plastic surgery, none of their former selves (save for their bones).

Then there are the women like me. A rare breed – showing up fully dressed, probably leaving too much to the imagination. Naturally, the young, scantily clad women get the most attention. Which is okay.

What are the men like? Ya get two choices: the old “sugar daddy wannabe” with the suffocating cologne, gold chains, and half-buttoned shirt OR the younger male with his buddies trying to find the easiest piece of ass.

Who do I go for? Neither. Yuck.

I usually end up enjoying people watching. Watching the guys nearly fall out of their chairs while they stare at passing women’s’ asses and cleavage. Viewing the drunks making fools of themselves which is equally entertaining. We’ve all done it.

Check out my Blue Martini posts. Coming soon: “The Nail Biter.” It’s a good one – don’t miss out. 😉

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Man vs Car

27 Dec

So…this is an oldie but a goodie.

One day for lunch my friend Crystal (best coworker ever :P) and I sat outside Starbucks to enjoy the beautiful weather and people watch. It was December 2010. Perfect SoFlo weather. And the people in Boca – well, you just have to see it to believe it.

Anywho! What car pulls in to the plaza? My absolute favorite dream car. The Audi R8 in a smooth glossy white. (*sigh*)

Of course the driver has to show off his beauty by revving the engine over and over and over… and over. I didnt mind though. The beautiful sound was music to my ears. My Honda Civic certainly does not sound that pretty. 😛

Finally, after revving the engine through the entire span of 50 ft to an empty spot, the dream-mobile was parked.

I had to wipe the drool from my mouth because that’s how much I love that car. For real. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Now, perhaps this is stereotypical (or I just expect too much) but you would think (or I was hoping) that the guy driving it would be smoking hot…as attractive as the car itself…

Hell to the no.

I know this will sound completely harsh but … the driver was not at all what I expected. He was a short, dorky man without an ounce of muscle wearing an Affliction t-shirt.  Dont tough, bulky dudes wear Affliction?  At the same time, I admit, I did think the shirt was pretty cool.

Up to this point, however, I feel that a ‘wtf’ is justified in this case.

It’s just not right.

Over-compensating much? Sexy car, tough-guy shirt, and little wimpy man? They just dont go together. A fiat and polo shirt might suit him better.

Regardless of the fact that I was upset that he could have that car and I couldnt, I eventually got over it.

That is, until Crystal & I walked into the Starbucks for our steamy hot lattes.

Lo & behold Mr. I’m-Over-Compensating-For-What-I-Don’t-Have  is sitting there drinking organic chocolate milk.

Organic chocolate milk! Where did he leave his manhood?! Does he cry to chick flicks too?

My kinder side would say “Aww maybe he’s just trying to look cool. Who hasn’t tried that some time or another, right?”

But really – he ruined it with the organic chocolate milk in the little red container with a cartoonish cow on the front of the carton…

There was something wrong with that entire picture.

Pee Loser: Part 2 (visit to a penthouse)

24 Dec

Enter part 2 of Pee Loser! (Welcome back!)

At this point you’re wondering why I call him Pee Loser. You’re about to find out why.

No sooner did I buckle my seatbelt  and my newly acquired passenger stumbled into the car did the regret of my actions fully set in.

I thought about kicking him out. Leaving him there to find another way home.

But I felt kind of bad. Bad enough to drive his inebriated butt all the way down south.

I asked him to put on his seatbelt a few times but he stared at it as if it were a completely foreign device. He managed, with my assistance, to get buckled up.

Heather and her friend drove behind us just in case anything wishy-washy happened.

We hopped onto I-95 South to Hallandale Beach. He told me all about how he manages a strip club (again) and proceeds to speak some pretty powerful words:  “Yeah I can get any girl I want, you know.”

Seriously?? I replied with, “Oh yeah? Well that’s just super cool.”

“Yeah the girls love me there. I can have any of them.”

“Wow, how wonderful.” 

Took him a little while but he eventually caught on to the sarcasm. I was proud.

“I should probably shut up huh…”

“Probably.”

“Sorry.” He said more but it was more of a long mumble and exhale of stale breath.

And the moment you’ve been waiting for. This was the exact moment this lovely man earned his nickname.

“I gotta pee.”

“Can you wait until we get to your place?”

“Noooo. I gotta peeeeeeeee.”

Suddenly I felt like a mom with a 2 yr old.

“Well we’re not stopping.”

“What?”

“Dude, we’re not that far from Hallandale – you can hold it.”  (Yes I use the word dude regularly.)

“But I gotta peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

“Too bad. You should’ve gone before we left JB’s.” I might as well have been in a minivan with a car seat.

“I gotta peeeee. Come on! I gotta peeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

“If you say that one more time, I’m pulling over.”

He smiled his drunken victory smile, “Good.”

“No, you don’t understand. If I have to pull this car over I’m not waiting for you. I would leave you standing on the side of the highway.” He stared at me as if i was the antichrist. “You would have to walk home. Got it?”

“Dang. You’re mean.”

“Yeah. So I’ve been told.”

He was pretty quiet after that. Silence truly is golden sometimes. 

However … all good things must come to an end. The quiet was blissful until he put down the window and started hacking up a lung and spitting.

Hack. Spit.

Haaaaaaaaack. Spit.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Spit.

Oh the sweet sounds of hacking and spitting. Really – I think I would have rather heard the whining.

What could possibly be next you might ask?

Wellll….this is a longer story than I originally remembered! It’s all coming back to me now! Lol. Hold on for Part 3, friends!

Here’s how it should work…

23 Dec

I always share my experiences with a close man-friend of mine. His input as a guy truly helps. 

So one day he asks me “How would you envision the perfect pickup?”

Easy! I thought.

Mr. Wonderful:  Well hello – my name is Mr. Wonderful.

Me:  Hi my name is Connie.

Mr. Wonderful:  I am a prince w/many riches. Come away with me – marry me and become princess of my country where we will live well make lots of love and travel the world and you’ll have my devotion, love, and everything you’ll ever need.

Me:  OKAY!

And they lived happily ever after!   😀

Buying Birthday Goodies

23 Dec

Hopefully you’re all biting your nails in suspense waiting for Pee Loser Part 2.  It needs a little more tweaking before posting though – so in the meantime – please enjoy the post below. “Buying birthday goodies.”  😀  

You’ll soon learn that I meet some strange individuals.

One morning I was tasked with purchasing birthday goodies for a coworker/friend; the usual flowers, card, cake, and balloons. Anyways, it was about 8:30am and I wasn’t expecting to have a full blown conversation with someone. Especially at the Publix near work that I never really go to except for that purpose – buying the birthday goodies.

I was just approaching the flowers and balloons section when a Publix employee approached me. He seemed nice enough asking me if I needed any assistance. How could he know that I’m not a morning person? He’s just doing his job. I thought to myself.

Turns out he wanted to do more than his job. Here’s how the conversation went down.

Publix guy:    Do you need help finding anything?

Me:              No thanks I’m good – just looking for flowers.

Publix guy:    Who are the flowers for?

Me:              Oh my friend – it’s her birthday.

Publix guy:    That’s nice.

Me:              Yeah – except I don’t really like any of these flowers.

Publix guy:    You don’t? What – she doesn’t like roses?

Me:              Sure but roses die so fast.

Publix guy:    Oh that’s right – they do.

Me:              Yes. I guess I’ll get these flowers – even though I didn’t want to spend $20.

Publix guy:    Oh well. It is what it is right?

Me:              Yep. Thanks for your help.

Publix guy:    So when’s your birthday?

Me:              Oh mine’s already passed.

Publix guy:    I wish I would’ve known. I would’ve gotten you a gift.

**break for laugh**

Me:              Really. You would’ve gotten me a gift?

Publix guy:    Yeah I would.

Me:              Right. Thanks but its all good.

Publix guy:    So how about we be friends?

Me:              Friends?

Publix guy:    Yeah why not?

Me:              Umm. I have a boyfriend.

Publix guy:    So? What’s that got to do with it?

Me:              Well….it has something to do with it. Anyway that’s ok. Thanks though.

Publix guy:    Why not?

Me:              Because.

Publix guy:    Because?

Me:              You’re telling me you just wanna be friends?

Publix guy:    Yeah.

Me:              You know, I kind of find that hard to believe.

Publix guy:    Why?

Me:              Because the last few guys that “wanted to be my friends” didn’t actually want to be “friends.”

Publix guy:    So you think all guys are like that? Why do you think that about all guys?

Me:              Probably because most guys are like that.

Publix guy:    That’s not true. You shouldn’t think like that.

(Really? I was getting boy advice from the Publix dude? How random. Why didn’t I just walk away?)

Me:              True but that’s how I think. I’m pretty set in my ways and I won’t be changing my mind anytime soon so…sorry.

Then he proceeded to keep asking me “why” about 10 times over until I had to say that I had nothing else to say about the matter. *sigh*

This is one time when shopping at Publix was definitely not a “pleasure.”

Pee Loser: Part 1 (visit to a penthouse)

22 Dec

The song “Oh what a night” springs into my head when I think about Pee Loser. That’s what I named him. I can’t remember what his real name is which is okay since I can’t print it in this post anyways.

I met Pee Loser at JB’s down in Deerfield Beach. JB’s is a great restaurant with an easy atmosphere and it’s an altogether fun place, especially on a Saturday night.

I was out with Heather and one of her friends. We were out at the back bar of the restaurant – it runs off into the beach. Very cool.

There were some odd folks out that night. One guy insisted on petting Heather. Weird? Yeah.

Then there was a couple that felt that their Spanish dancing techniques should be spread all over the dance floor – to the point where they were pushing people out of the way. I felt like someone should tell them this isn’t an audition for Dancing with the Stars. I was on my way to the bar to grab some napkins (Florida humidity can really make you sticky) and Mr. I like to Pet People was there. So he offered to buy me a drink. Naturally I ordered one for myself and for Heather – and for her friend. He was so far gone he was totally fine with it. I grabbed my drinks and I was off! Even had time to snatch the napkins. Had to take care of my girls you know?

While we were sipping on our newly acquired, refreshing drinks I glanced around. The lack of good looking men was discouraging. Meeting a man in South Florida was yet again proving to be hopeless.

That’s when I saw Pee Loser. Granted I had had a few drinks so my liquor goggles were at an 80% capacity but he was kind of cute and had a stack of cash in his hand. All I saw was dollar signs. Is that really such a bad thing?

There was a really talented live band performing and he was showering them with singles. At first it was cool for him to give the band so much attention. But then it just looked stupid. The amount of money he was throwing was absurd. Even the band was beginning to get uncomfortable. Well…not that uncomfortable – money is money. They were probably stoked. I felt like asking him if he wouldn’t mind throwing some at me? Maybe not the best idea…

Lucky for me he walked over and asked if I had a lighter. Sure I did! Then we got to talking. He gave off a good vibe and made a very good impression. My vodka goggles convinced me of that. Towards the end of the evening he was trashed and he was just a hot mess. His eyes were blood-shot and he was acting like a fool. 

That’s when I sobered up.

What the hell was I thinking?

Pee Loser bragged to us about how he lives in a penthouse and how he’s a manager at a strip club etc etc. So he invites us over. His place was down in Hallandale Beach and I was so not crazy about making that drive. But Heather thought maybe he’d turn out to be a good guy for me – you never know. Okay I’d give it a whirl.

Heather & her friend grabbed their car at the valet. I’m waiting for mine and then comes Pee Loser saying that his friend left him behind. What the…? So I had to drive him home. Wasn’t crazy about that idea either. Just met this guy – don’t know what he’s capable of and he wants me to drive him home? Him & I alone in my car? I was worried but decided to go along with it. I’d be following Heather and she’d save me if necessary. Besides he was so drunk that he would barely be able to tie a shoe lace much less attack me.

While we waited for the valet cuties to bring my precious Honda Civic around I looked over at Pee Loser so I could size him up. You know – sneak a glance while he’s off guard. See the real him.

It was frightening. As he stood there swaying I looked him up and down. Greasy hair. Misshapen clothes. Disgusting sandals. And…ew! Fungus? On one of his big toes?! I couldn’t stop myself from gagging. I was just about to tell him that I had changed my mind and needed to go home when I realized my car was there. Ok – too late to turn back – let’s get this show on the road. And a show it certainly was.

Aside

The Cookie Dude

21 Dec

Saturday evening I went to Publix to get the usual: food and beer. And cookies for a cookie exchange event at work.  So I’m standing there staring at the great wall of refrigerated cookies (you know, the preshaped cookie dough squares and such).

While pondering what the best cookie selections might be this guy that was walking by says “Awww come on – it can’t be that hard to pick out cookies.”

I honestly dreaded turning around but, to be nice, I turned, laughed, and smiled and said, “Actually it is. There are too many to choose from and I cant decide.” 

Much to my surprise he was kind of cute (bonus!) – nice, bright smile. Had a light country kinda accent too.

He tells me that I just cant go wrong with white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. He ends up helping me pick out more cookies (who cares that he chose the most expensive ones) and meanwhile I’m thinking about scrubby I look.  Hair in a ponytail. No makeup. Jeans. Flip Flops. Hoodie. Fantastic.

The convo continued for a few minutes longer and I, jokingly, told him I wouldnt have been able to accomplish the task without his help.

I thought it was going well though.  Flirting over cookies. Then he says “Alright I’ll be in the beer aisle if you need anymore help.”

And that was it.  Really – he wasted my time helping to choose cookies – didn’t ask my name and not even a fricken date? Wtf. 

So I left. 

I’m so bad at this. 😛