Archive | January, 2012

Do you … you know … smoke?

30 Jan

I went to an acquaintance’s get together. This party host has a son.

You know what that means.

It means I could no longer enjoy the party because I’d be used as a pawn in the cruel game of match-making.

The gracious host tip toed over to me and whispered “Hey! Are you still single?”

“Yes.” I answered lowly and reluctantly while stuffing more mini quiche in my mouth. Spinach & cheese to be exact. I love those things.

“Great! I invited my son and told him there was a cute girl here.”

“Oh great.” I said, mustering up my best fake enthusiasm. I, of course, felt like saying, “Sooo what?!” But I couldn’t be rude to this person (trust me).

What is it with people? Since I’m the one single young woman at this party and the son is the one single young man … what … we’re supposed to fall madly in love – sparks are going to fly – just because we’re around the same age, of opposite sex, and we’re equally unattached?

I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work that way. 😛   Although that would be so much easier.

This party host gets kudos for good intentions though.

Finally the son arrives. I have to admit he was cute and not at all what I expected. However, I couldn’t see myself with him. He almost had a Jersey Shore look about him. Not that that’s a bad thing … (to each their own).

He makes his way over to me and I half expected a “Sup girl?” but his first question was very normal. He introduced himself and asked what I do for work. Good start, gooood start.

I was already beginning to think, Hey maybe this could work.

His second question kind of threw me though.

The good son asks, “Do you smoke?” in a secretive hushed tone.

There’s oblivious me: “Cigarettes? Yeah.” I thought maybe he saw my pack of  cigs in my Louis bag. No no – he was not that perceptive.

“No, not cigarettes.”

Ah ha!!

“Ohh. Yeah, no – I don’t do that. Sorry.”

I mean really, you’re in your mom’s house, your mother is standing 3 feet away and you’re asking me if I smoke weed? 😐

Awkward pause.

“Well,” I had to break the silence. I could feel the mama eyeing us. “I was fine without a smoke but now that you mentioned smoking, I want a cigarette. Do you want to join me?” I headed outside.

He followed – “Sure. I usually only smoke when I’m drinking.”

“Usually only?”  I think to myself. Is that even proper English?

Then he asks me what I’m drinking. I knew this would be considered lame but I answered honestly anyways with: “Coke.”

“Just coke?”

“Yep. Just coke. I’m not a big drinker.”

“Oh.” That disappointed look. So it’s frowned upon if I smoke cigarettes but it’s acceptable if I consume large vats of alcohol.

Ya just cant please everyone. 😛

While we were outside polluting our lungs he proceeded to tell me about his friend that is married to a jealous and extremely insecure woman. What a story that was. Did I really need to know about that?

About 10 minutes after that smoke break I snuck out of the party.

I believe he noticed. Here I was thinking I was smooth – Mission Impossible smooth – but he walked outside just as I was backing out of the parking spot.

#Caught

I’m pretty sure that Mom & Son were not happy with me.

Blue Martini Nites – Surgeon General Poser

29 Jan

So. I think I embarrassed this guy. So much that it scared him away.

How terrible of me (<–sarcasm).

I’m sorry but I’m not a fan of cheesy pick-up lines. I don’t find them funny or entertaining …… well, after the fact they are. 😛

It was another Blue Martini nite. Heather & I sat at the bar enjoying our fruity martinis, talking and smoking.

Now I know that smoking cigarettes is bad. Dangerous to my health, etc etc. But I do it anyways. I know, I know. Please spare me the lectures, blog friends. 😉

Whilst enjoying my tart apple martini this gent comes waltzing up and says “You know cigarettes are bad for you, right?”

Let’s hit the ‘pause’ button for a moment, shall we?

Seriously?!

I think in this case it was a combination of what he said along with the manner in which he said it. It was as if he had attempted to conjure up his smoothest, sexiest voice to say the horrible line. His stride and stance suggested the overcompensation of confidence (a.k.a. he wasn’t acting like himself). He even leaned onto my chair and slapped on a “I’m sexy and you know it” kind of grin.

So I punished him and his lack of creativity in a first line. That’s the best he could come up with?

<‘rewind’…….’play’>

Guy: “You know cigarettes are bad for you, right?”

Me: “No way!”

Guy: “Yeah, they are.” (He was so proud of himself.)

Me: I looked at Heather. “Oh my gosh Heather! These are bad for me?!” I took another drag. “This is crazy! I had no idea!”

Meanwhile a few surrounding people stared at me as if I were a certifiable moron.

Guy: “Uh, yeah.” At this point he started to catch on.

Me: “Oh wait!” I grabbed my pack of cigs. “Is that what this warning is on the side of the box? Wow. Thank you so much for letting me know. If it wasn’t for you…really. Whew!”

He slinked away, embarrassed & unsuccessful.

Call me a b**ch if you want but corny lines and fake dudes don’t do it for me. Although they do make for good blog posts. 😀

Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

New Relationship-Overheard

22 Jan

I stopped at Walmart yesterday with my best friend, Faryal, for specialized dog food (Rachel Ray dog food to be exact).

At the end of our shopping trip I stopped at the ladies room and overheard an exchange between two female employees that really amazed me. A short conversation on the success of a newly formed relationship.

It was truly refreshing to hear of a new relationship that is working out.

Employee 1: Hey girl.

Employee 2: Huh?

Employee 1: He been takin me to dinner every night.

Employee 2: Huh?

Employee 1: I said he been takin me to dinner every night.

Employee 2: Oh guurrrrrrl sooooki!

Employee 1: Mmm hmm. I must’ve given it to him reeeealll good.

*sigh* Nice story isn’t it? I sure thought so. 😀

The First Love

20 Jan

Most of us remember our first love.

According to fairytales and stories told love is supposed to be magical. And discovering it for the first time ever is even sweeter. Well sweeter and scary. But a good scary. Falling in love for the first time should certainly fall into the “special” category.

My first love? Oh he was special alright.

I embarked on my first official relationship at seventeen (when my dad finally allowed me to date lol).

Ah seventeen. When love conquers all – in your heart at least. Your mind has yet to catch up to reality. Or should I say, you’re not completely jaded and bitterness has yet to plan its seeds.

His name was Dick. And boy did he live up to his name (and not in a good way). I was in love and completely infatuated with him and his bad-boy aura. Of course looking back I realize it wasn’t a bad-boy aura – it was more of a loser aura. I should’ve listened to my best friend – she had warned me.

Anyways he broke my heart in just one year and seven months (and … admittedly I remember, even now, 11 days).

We met at a JROTC field meet competition – both seniors at the time. He went to a school in Orlando, I attended school in Boca. Originally I had planned to attend the Air Force Academy post-graduation. In a way I kick myself for not following through but at the time I was convinced I should just attend college locally in hopes of staying close to Dick. My fault – lesson learned.

Most of our relationship was long distance since he ran off to a military college as soon as he graduated. Of course it wasn’t a good idea to be in a long distance relationship, me being a first timer in the love market. No matter – I was faithful to him and stuck by him despite the distance and my suspicions that he was cheating (which he was, by the way). 

I’ll never forget his sweet and tender words after the first time we “did it.” Not only was it horrible but … those unforgettable words were icing on the cake.

“Well…now you can’t wear white on your wedding day. Your thighs will start getting bigger too because your body will start changing to accommodate babies.”

Shock was my first feeling. Then pain. Then confusion. Nowadays I would’ve kicked him where it hurts or maybe threw something at him. Even a slap in the face would have been appropriate. But no. At seventeen I was a different person: naïve and unaware that I was just used.

Funny – when you’re a teen you think you know everything. Not even close.

The break up was even more hurtful. He invited me up to Orlando for my birthday where I proceeded to pay for tickets to a Disney theme park, lunch, and whatever else we wanted at the park. Then he broke up with me. That same day. I was devastated and humiliated.

*sigh* If only I knew then what I know now. My brothers offered to beat him up for me. I should’ve let them but I’m too nice. 😛

But, you know, as disrespectful and failing as he was, I still wanted him. I was so sure he would change his mind and realize that he made a mistake. That day never came.

The bright side is that with every relationship you encounter you learn a little something about yourself and what you want.

Oh! But here’s the best part. Years back he found me on MySpace (when MySpace was really booming). And guess what. He looks old.

Ha! Take that! A small form of retribution but I’ll take it! 😀

Nom Nom, the Cookie Monster!

18 Jan

It’s time to share the story of Nom Nom.

Heather and I decided on attending happy hour after a rough workday. I was angry and stressed out and was taking it out on people who didn’t deserve the wrath of Con (<–ha!). 

Learn how to control your temper 101 – someday I need to take that class.

Anyways, Heather’s boyfriend met us at the Ale House.

We experimented with Disaronno (amaretto) and the concoctions that were aired in recent Disaronno commercials. There were two in particular: cranberry juice & Disaronno and ginger ale & Disaronno. There was also the already popular Disaronno sour (Yum!). A few drinks later, I looked over to my right just to notice this burly dude staring at me. I was about to look away when I realized I actually knew this oversized, intoxicated, tired looking fellow.

Being the lightweight that I am, I shouted, “Hey! I know you!”

When will I ever learn? Just because you recognize someone doesn’t mean you’re required to start a conversation with them. Look away – don’t speak. Because a mere “hello” will not suffice after reuniting with someone you knew but barely knew over a decade ago.

I got up to say hello & give a hug. Then I introduced him to my friends.

Big mistake because after that he didn’t shut up. I never realized there were men that talked that much. He jabbered on and on and on with his gravelly voice. He continued to talk and say nothing at all of importance. I kept fighting back the urge to clear my throat because his voice was so … rumbly (? I can’t think of the right word) and … dry?

Heather’s boyfriend does a fantastic imitation of the Cookie Monster. It’s impressive, really.

How does this relate to Nom Nom in any way, shape, or manner? Because Nom Nom did sound like the Cookie Monster. True story.

You may be wondering if this Nom Nom had a real name. I couldn’t remember his first name but I knew his last name. Product of being in Navy ROTC in high school – last names stick.  I asked what his first name was and he began bragging about having 5 different names.  Seriously?

Even Heather’s boyfriend voiced his concern about how scary it was that there were single men like Nom Nom out on the prowl. I responded with a “I have zero hope for meeting someone.”

Moving on. While I was pondered various ways to get rid of this dude and get back to enjoying the company of my friends, Nom Nom decides to pull a chair up to our table. He continues to talk about how Facebook is ‘gay’ and how God didn’t intend people to meet through the internet. I especially loved his impression of a typical online dating conversation.

Weirdly enough – he insisted that everyone starts off with “do you like baseball?”

Now, I know that I am cruel sometimes .. ok a lot of times … but honestly Nom Nom did not shut up so I started to toss out sarcastic remarks here and there. Didn’t phase him. How could he not hear what I was saying? Oh right – because he kept talking.

In the midst of this oh so fabulous conversation he managed to tell me:

(1) He’s surprised I’m not knocked up. (Is there a rule that every woman must be married with children by 30? I think not…)

(2) He thinks I’m too old to go back to school. (Say what?! I’m not old, Nom Nom!)

(3) I still look the same as I did in high school. (I was okay with this point. :D)

When he insisted I was Spanish (which I’m not) I had to correct him. I told him my dad is American and my mom was born and raised in Bermuda. “Fernidia?” He said, “I don’t know where that is.”

I went along with it – how could I not? For that moment in time, during that lovely warm evening – Fernidia, the imaginary country, was born.

High School Non-friend

15 Jan

Social networking has a knack for reintroducing people you were barely acquainted with years ago. In my experience they’re mostly people I wasn’t exactly friends with.

However – anyone can be friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever other platform you choose. Does it really matter if you weren’t friends before? Naaa. Recognize the person’s face and/or name? Never met them before? Either way – zip over a friend request!

Now, you know there’s a story following this, right? 😛

Fyi – it’s not very smart to post your phone number on your Facebook profile.

Lesson learned.

I received a random text one weekend from an unknown number. Turns out that this guy I went to school with years ago – that I was never friends with at all – felt the need to text me. Then he told me I should remove my number from FB.

Yeah. Thanks dude.

Then he decided we should hang out. Why? I didn’t know you then – what makes you think I want to know you now?

Ok – so I’m a little rude. I’m a Leo – I can’t help it.

This same guy, believe it or not, lived in the same apartment complex as me at the time. I was catching some sun one morning (that was the quietest time to lay out at the pool) and this gent walks into the pool area with a girl (I assumed it was his girlfriend). He kept staring at me. It was creepy. So I left.

He emailed me on Facebook asking if that was me by the pool. So I decided to be nice and email him back saying the usual BS stuff like: “Yeah that was me. Wow small world huh. I’ve been living there for a few years now. How long have you lived there?”

His response…

“First and last year here [at the complex] – my girl is moving out soon. We have known each other 4 years now. More really good friends than in a relationship. I stay away from relationships – nothing but trouble.”

Okaaaaaaaaaaay…?

I didn’t really get it. So I just didn’t respond. I heart avoidance.

Lunch Date -or- Interview

14 Jan

Zoosk. Their commercials were so funny when they first joined the E-dating circuit.

And so I signed up. By then I had already tried E-Harmony, Match, & Plenty of Fish.

What do ya know? Using Zoosk I came across this guy who looked very handsome in his photos. He had an interesting profile and appeared to be smart and ambitious (ding ding ding!).

We had great conversation online via Zoosk and even had a “chat date” a couple evenings (I’m not one for talking on the phone a lot). It was almost too good to be true.

I’d have to meet this guy…not that I was trying to find something wrong with him. Just trying to save myself from the disappointment that is sure to follow when I get my hopes up.

First date discussion. He was going to be in Boca for work and asked to take me to lunch.

We settled with Panera bread and I told him I only had an hour – that way if I hated him I’d be able to escape.

I was nervous. More nervous than usual, really.

Walking into Panera bread I scanned the lunch crowd and eventually spotted him.

He was very … hairy.

See – the feminine dude didn’t have enough hair. This guy – too much. Isn’t there a happy medium? A Goldilocks version of ‘just right’?

We had already discovered through chat that we had something significant in common – we both work in the IT industry. Great! That would be an easy conversation starter.

Little did I know that it would serve as an extraction tool for him to gain insight into the company I work for.

The interrogation started with questions like “Do you sell Apple?” “Are you authorized to sell it?” “What certifications did you have to complete?”

I waited for someone to drag a bright light into my face and ask me where I was when we sold our first Applecare warranty.

What I wanted to say to him is “Are you f-in kidding me?” but I knew, as I did with Pee Loser when he tried to put his dirty infected foot on me, that I wouldn’t be seeing this gentleman again.

Even the old lady next to us gave me a look of pity.

Another failed date.

After lunch that day I didn’t hear from him for days. I was fine with that – his disappearance saved me the trouble of rejecting him. Eventually he IMed me via Skype. 

Not…a…chance.

I blocked him on Skype, deleted my Zoosk profile out of pure frustration, and that was that. Grrr.