Tag Archives: Comedy

Lay down the pills, boys

1 Jul

The good news is that I’m trying to quit smoking. I’m not having a difficult time with it. If I feel the absolute dire need to have a smoke I do but I’m certainly not smoking 1/3 a pack a day.

Anyway – the bad news is that when I get messages like this on POF I start shaking from the anxiety and crave a nicotine fix to calm my nerves.

All I can picture is Tigger on highly concentrated pills with an adverse effect.

Hello Miss Writer!! how are you, Seriously I read
your profile 3 or 4 times today and honestly I was
Shocked.. You are extremely Beautiful and Extremely GORGEOUS,
Honest,Mature, Smart, Everything.. I love your attitude, your
Personality your (Lips upss Sorry), your eyes and your
SMILE… I Love it … I’m Scorpio team
“Fire””Passion””True Love””true
Friendship””Honest””Responsible and hard workers”HUGE HEART”
0) I love music and Dancing.. I love aerosmith’s Too
1) I love Cook.. I’m Seafood and Italian chef
2) I love the Ocean
3) I love working out – also I running like 8 miles every 4
days, also I’m in training to half Marathon this year..
4) Venezuelan Born= Im working :FL&MIA
Communication/Broadcast Major
Sports Reporter and WRITER-Blogs for :
@Marlins,@MiamiHeat,@FlPanthers,@MiamiDolphins,I Love my life
&Son .. Yes I have a Son .. 7years old, he is everything to
me ..
5) I’m Not Smoking and No Drinks .. But about your (WEE) we
can talk and fix it about that 😉
Ok .. I also look for a real woman like you, Friendship first
and relationship later. I hope have and fill in
what you are looking for.. I’m very Ambitious and I wanna
share my goals,life with somebody with the same directions.
I’m looking for stable and
long relationship, I hope you like Something about me ..
Serious I’m in shock with your
Profile..If you need to know more about me just inbox, me
message me, Reply me, find me, email me, tweet me, haha
Somenthing I’m here waiting for you.. Serious NO GAMES,NO
DRAMA
p.s you are the most beautiful woman I saw In my whole life
… Please Reply me I wanna hear from you veryyy soon !!! Bye
bye Gorgeous .;(

I almost wanted to run to my bed and hide under the covers…but instead … where’s that lighter … I’ll stick with going outside.

In closing – an online dating tip. (haha!! :D)

He just had to…

17 Jun

After neglecting my Plenty of Fish account for approximately one month (maybe longer) I figured it was time to catch up on my messages and see what was new and stimulating in the e-dating world.

Most of the emails were dull but this one wasnt too shabby – up until the end at least.

I highlighted the line I had a slight issue with in blue…and I bolded the words…and then I underlined them too. Something tells me you wont miss it. 😀 

Hi, how are you? I’m Rey. Straight up, I’m not sure what I’m looking for but I want to meet new people, eswpecially those that show they have brains, priorities and their life together. I’m tired of dating girls and I’m in need of a woman in my life.

He needs a woman – I am a woman – How convenient!

About me, I’m 6’1 from Puerto Rico. I speak perfect Spanish and English. I have 2 siblings, (older) I am the youngest. I’m 30 years old. My family is the biggest and most imoportant thing in my life. I strive for perfection and happiness in life and I dont settle for anything less.

I completely agree – family is important. He seems ambitious. That’s an admirable trait.

Like I said Im not sure what I’m looking forr but I know I want to meet new people and broaden my horizons a bit. I know how much fun I can be and how much more fun it can all be if I had the right person next to me. Weather it is my girlfriend or not a guy friend or a total stranger. I share everything with everyone, even if they dont deserve it. YOu cant take everything with you so why hold on to it. My philosophy is be yourself have fun and enjoy life.

Sharing is caring. Good philosophy.

I’ll be looking forward to hearing from you. It would be nice being that i put some effort in. lol Take care and have a good night.

Now, it might just be the snob in me but what the heck? He just had to say that? 

And he believes I should reward him for his efforts?

Here, have a virtual cookie on my behalf, Rey Rey. 🙂

Whether he was joking or not – I’m thinking no.

Is this really the 2012 version of chivalry?

Girl’s Nite Out with a hint of Tampa Boy

15 Jun

The Friday of Memorial Day weekend I decided to roadtrip it to Tampa to visit my friend, H.

We were both in dire need of a girl’s nite out so we got prettied up and meandered out to the bar scene.

…A fine ‘Before’ picture…

Me & H

We decided on a new hot spot with restaurants and bars. It was a casual scene (perfect) and just busy enough to make it interesting (if that makes any sense).  The bar name is Prime Bar. We’re both smokers so an outside table was preferred despite the wait time of 30 minutes for outside seating.

Hmm. What to do in the meantime? Visit the inside bar of course! 

Ah finally! Girl’s nite – it was long overdue. We sat contemplating our drink of choice for the night.

What to drink?

We were both thinking it but we were both also weighing the consequences.

The evil green monster: The Apple Martini.

Now, I’ve learned from past experiences (over and over again) that these infamous martinis are dangerous, cause bad judgment, and inflict intense pain on my stomach. But do I backdown like a smart, responsible adult? A grownup that is well aware of the cause and effect of said green monster?

Uh no! I order one. Naturally. I was glutton for punishment on this fun and fancy free night.

One martini chills me out.

(Still waiting for the table.)

Martini #2 leads me to ask the gentleman next to me what he’s drinking.

Big mistake.

My one simple question led this lonely boy to feel that an entire conversation was in order. All I wanted to know was the name of the drink he was consuming.

Some of you may be asking – “Well was he cute????”

No, he really wasn’t. Not to me, at least.

Three martinis later, we’re at our outside table. 🙂

Tampa Boy invites himself over – takes a seat and start jabbering.

I felt like I was watching tennis while looking between Tampa Boy & H while thinking “who invited him?” Who does that? It’s just not okay fellas. 😛

I was nice, though, and didn’t kick him out. Instead I feigned interest in his topic of discussion which primarily covered his plan to break up with his girlfriend in a few minutes time.

Splendid. Mighty catch you are, Tampa Boy.

We were subject to the entire story of who, what, when, why, and how.

Meanwhile:

    PLUS   

I’m pretty sure that’s about the time that I had to give in and break the seal. I became a frequent visitor at the ladies room and I actually fit in some dancing while I was at it. For some reason the music was better in the bathroom.

After however many martinis I ended up giving Tampa Boy my cell phone number. Oops.

He left to break up with his girl, said he’d return, and we didn’t see him again. #Relief

We ate (food was terrible) and I did the whole sign-the-check-with-one-eye-closed because at that point I couldn’t read…

It’s a good thing H still had her sense about her and I’m sure she was laughing at me here & there because of my drunken stupidity but – in the end we had a great time! It was so much fun. 🙂

And yes, I learned yet again that multiple apple martinis encourage me to pray viciously to the porcelain god.

Funny photo – a silly “After” picture of us. 😀

H & Me!

Anonymous Super Dater Girl

14 Jun

Meet the Anonymous Super Dater Girl, a coworker friend of mine who is also on a daunting quest to find love via E-Dating.

It all started with my simple inquiry via work email:

I’m having a hard time focusing and staying awake.

Tell me what happened with Mr. Dude?

To which Anonymous Super Dater Girl replied:

Mr. Dude was ok but he kinda bored and annoyed me.  First date I thought was great… but I think that’s just cause I was nervous / excited.  Second date I fell asleep on his couch.  So I figured I would just make sure he wasn’t the one and go on a third date.  As soon as he got to my place for the third date I wasn’t feeling it.  He just didn’t have enough personality, I wasn’t very attracted to him.  He looked cute in his profile pics b/c he was smiling.  Unfortunately, his ‘normal’ face was kinda stank face looking.  Ya know, like he just smelled dog shit. 

He also had a puppy that I don’t think he’s doing justice to at all.  It’s 10 weeks old and he had nothing for it to chew on then wondered why it was picking up random things in the house and chewing on them.  OMG dude… it’s a baby, it’s teething – you need to get it some bones!  And it didn’t seem like he was attempting potty training at all.  He kept saying he’s had puppies before blah blah until finally I was like.. let me guess that every OTHER time you got a puppy, the puppy had a ‘mommy’ that did all this work.  He’s like well yeah. 

We had beach plans so when the it started raining I decided we should call it a day.  

Now I’ve been emailing a guy in Pompano, lawyer, we’ll see… nothing interesting to report on him yet

I have to admit that’s the first time I ever heard of the ‘stank face’ look. Interesting choice of words. 😀

I’m partially relieved to know that I’m not the only one that suffers through bad dates.

Til next time … 😉

A Somewhat Recent Date

2 Jun

Hello! 🙂 I apologize for my absence but it really was for good reasons!

1. Work is crazy. We moved to a new office and the work volume has increased naturally.

2. I finally finished writing my book and ever since it’s been Edit, Edit, Edit!

Soooooooooo …. time to get back into the swing of things. 🙂

I sort of recently went on a date. At this point I think the date was like two months ago…I dont remember.

But anyways – was I nervous? A tad bit.

Was I afraid? Yes.

This guy – let’s call him ……. J.

J has no hair. I know I know – you’re most likely thinking “Get past the hair obsession, Connie!”

I can’t help it … I’m sorry guys.

Despite the baldness I decided to give J a chance. We had emailed for weeks on POF and he never pressured me to meet him right away. He didn’t beg for my number. He didn’t get mad if I didn’t email him back right away. He has a great job. He’s close with his family.

All promising signs!! 🙂

Given the multitude of pros I decided a date would be the appropriate next step – despite him not having a head full of hair (someday I’ll try to get over that).

We decided to meet after work one day. I was running late (as always) and he was fine with it. Since I was going to be late he drove over to the beach to take a peek at the moon (pause for ‘awwww’).

With our timing being out of sync I got there about 20 minutes before him.

What calms nerves? Liquor.

I bee-lined to the outside bar which was empty! Good. Perfect atmosphere to accommodate my anti-social self.

I ordered my grapefruit and vodka and lit up a smoke. Ah this is nice, I thought. The bartender chick was really nice so we were chatting it up watching out for my date-to-be.

There was a long path that led to the bar that the bartender dubbed as the ‘catwalk.’

As J approached we both stared at him which, yeah, made him feel a bit uncomfortable. (haha)

I love to sit at an outside bar but he really wanted to sit inside one of the adjacent restaurants. Alright, I gave in. Compromise.

First we took a walk around the entire place (good thing I wore my comfortable heels…) and it was humid! I tried to sweat gracefully. At some point I just stopped trying to wipe the sweat off my face discreetly.

Finally we settled in at a Latin joint. I ordered a massive mojito (really the glass was so tall that I had to move it to the side so it wouldn’t obstruct my view of J).

Annnnd that’s when I learned he didn’t drink. A bit awkward because I was on my second round and a little buzzed (**lightweight**). Oops.

We ordered one app and one dessert to share. Everything was delicious. The date was going well. We had a lot in common and there were no awkward pauses – we never stopped talking.

He walked me to my car afterward and I patiently awaited the second date request but … nothing.

No handshake.

No hug.

No kiss on the cheek.

No second date.

I admit – my ego was bruised.

Oh wait – he did say I was funny. 😐 To which I replied: yes that happens when I drink.

Doh! 

Anywho – to wrap this up I quickly realized that J was looking for a text buddy because he text me every day (more than a few times a day) with idol chit-chat stuff. Noooooo phone calls. No asking to see me again.

After about 3 or 4 days of that crap I stopped responding.

And that was the end of that.

Boo on you, J.

Greetings from Germany!

18 Mar

This is exactly what I need!

A nice German boy who has searched me out from afar! Could it be fate that he has found me?

Be still my heart…

Olla… I will be in the USA and so decided to pass a town where people tall nobody
should miss it, will bin in April in Miami, so also there never
have been befor, thougth why not use the internet to get to connection to somebody I
may will be attracted… so I searched who is here from Miami and hoppa… found you.
May you are open to start to know me, its still a little time before the flight 😉
Greeting from Germany, I´m Leonard

I am flattered! Speechless! Can’t say I understand most of his message but hey – how wonderful that he chose me out of alllll the eligible POF mates.

#LuckyGirl 🙂

Longest Intro EVER

16 Mar

Check it out. The longest intro message EVER!

I received this note from a poor soul on POF…I couldnt get past the first paragraph…you’ll notice (if you cheat & scroll to the end that the message was cut off because he reached the word/character limit). 🙂 Enjoy!

In Jesus Name I come in honestly and sincerely first in prayer with my heart open to a God Loving woman. Yes that was a run-on sentence. 🙂
I’m a friendly happy person that was Born again 2003 in Spirit and truth. That was the best decision of my life because it changed my life. I know the past is not as important as the present and future,but I believe that if we don’t recognize the past and learn from it we are doomed to repeat past mistakes. So led me be frank and honest from the start.
I am 41 years old. Single and I have no children -never been married. Why? Because I was in prison for Armed Robbery while in Germany. I joined the US Army at 18. Became a Medical Laboratory Technologist and was stationed in Germany for my first tour. I was young,dumb and full of pride. I drank alcohol and experimented with drugs. I wanted to make everyone happy and be a people pleaser. I let myself be lured into the Gang life of the Latin Kings of which I became member then leader. My wrong choices in friends and actions led me to a 17 years of lost time in the Federal and State Corrections Department. I was lost in the land of the living dead-which is prison. There in 2003 I went to a weekend revival that was called Kairos- Meaning “Gods’ time”. I had first signed up to receive cookies and food because in penitentiary real food is lousy. But when I was there listening the word of God, my spirit and eyes opened up. I realized how wrong and how astray I had gone and repented. God had mercy on me and with the power and strength of the Holy Spirit-I changed. I publicly declared my renouncement of the Gang-life. I formally retired from the Latin Kings and broke of my illegal activities. Quit smoking and selling weed. Basically I made a 180 turn and my life has been so blessed. I have been free for over 3 years and I do not have parole nor any legal restrictions. I completely paid my price to society for the wrongs done of my past, and now I enjoy the fruits of my labor.
I went to college and did many courses to better myself. Thanks to God upon my release I was blessed with great jobs and much support from family and real friends. They see the change in me and all are happy to see me doing good in my community. I do County Prison Ministry on Weekends and help in my church in all I can.
Maybe I should not be so frank with my past, but I want a Christian Woman that knows all the good and bad. No lies. I am a great catch! WHY?
Well, I work at Steel Fabricators LLC. A great company w wonderful benefits. I am a Welder-Fitter, I build Airports, Stadiums and anything big that is made of Steel. Income is secured on a weekly basis 650 with overtime and I am just about debt free. My Sports Truck is paid off, Own a small 12′ boat which I use to go fishing, My furniture is all new, I am not a materialistic person. However I know that in order to be able to provide for a wife and family a man seeking commitment must first have his financial affairs in order. And I am ready. LOL 🙂 It is hard to find a worthy single woman in church because when I go to church I go to praise God. The women I know and meet in services are eighter already married or too young. So I found myself praying to find a wife. One of my friends told me to try this site. I pray and hope whomever is reading this feels the honesty of my words.
I am a romantic fool that believes in love and likes to share. I do love to dance. Clubs are still in my heart…But I don’t go often. 😉 I prefer to do family things; Bowling, Recreational parks, Beaches, Going to the pool at moms, doing Bar B-Qs and buying new movies to watch at home with lots of snacks and comfortable pillows! 🙂
Well, I have so much to say that I could have you reading for hours…LOL or u can decide to talk with me or chat/message each other to know one another. Yes-my schedule is hectic, but I hope we may still keep in touch. 🙂
I’ll close for now and pray you decide to give me a chance to bu